My penis is totes angry

Every once in a while Often on Facebook, a conversation happens on my wall that makes me laugh with glee. It’s unfair to keep the hilarity within my close-knit circle of 400 nearest and dearest. The Internet at large (re: all eight of my blog followers) must bask in the mirth. My friends are funnier and cleverer than your friends, and I can prove it.

Kellie 

here’s the deal: if you’re old enough to have children, you’re too old to use the words “cray”, “totes”, “bish”, “shiz”, and “presh”.

 

 

Kellie 

Follow up #1 (words deciphered): crazy, totally, bitch, shit, precious.

 

 

Karen

Thanks for the cipher!

I was completely lost.

 

Kellie

Follow up #2: Old enough to be a mom, you don’t actually have to have a child for this rule to apply. Therefore, no one over the age of 10 should use any of those words.

 

Kellie

Follow up #3: Words may be used ironically.

 

 

Karen

oh shiz.

 

 

Kellie
Follow up #4: If you use them with me, I’ll slap you. I just will. I will smack you right in your dumb mouth.

 

 

Karen 

oh shiz yo cray presh az.

 

 

Kellie

Aaaaaannnnndddddd… Karen‘s gonna die.

 

 

Karen 

prolly

 

 

Kellie

^ Oddly enough, that one doesn’t bother me.

 

 

Karen

Now that is odd, but “prolly” is not ebonics.

 

 

Kellie

None of those words are ebonics either! It’s my experience that they’re used by middle class 20-somethings that fancy themselves adorable and clever. They. are. wrong.

 

Karen

Yes. They. Are. – because I seriously thought these fell into the category of ebonics.

 

 

Sheila

Is it bad I didn’t know even one of those until you listed them….

 

 

Sarah

Oh, bish, you is totes cray!

 

 

Cat

And don’t forget btdub. That one is just beyond irritating. Need a damn dumbass dictionary to decipher some of these texts.

 

 

Kellie

I’m gonna fuck you up, Sarah.
What the hell does “btdub” mean, Cat? I don’t text. I don’t even have a cell phone.

 

Cat

Btdub = by the way (w, Dub). Not only irritating but also longer and stupid sounding.

 

 

Kellie

BTW, I get, especially if you’re texting or using a mobile device. BTdub is just dumb.

 

 

Fala

What about adorbs? I can totes use adorbs, right?

 

 

Kellie

As in, “the red mark on your cheek from my smack is totes adorbs”? Sure. Go on, then. ;)

 

 

Fala

What about “gorge” for “gorgeous”? I see that at least three times a day on fashion blogs. THIS BLOG IS GORGE. hee hee.

 

 

Michelle

I so want to use them now even if it means getting the shiz beat out of me. I miss you. Like cray-cray.

 

 

Randy

Kellie, I love this so much…there just aren’t words for how exceptional this post is. Beating “my penis is angry”* may never be possible, but this is a clear-cut #2. I must ask about the phrase “heart swell.” I believe using it to be a cut-able offense, as in, when someone uses the phrase to punctuate a rot-your-teeth cute moment by their child, I can…well…totes cut them and it be adorbs in the simplicity. What say you?

Kellie

Hmm…depends on the age of the child. Personally, I find it moderately insipid but not cut-able worthy. Though, if it really irritates you, responding with “MY PENIS IS ANGRY” and then walking away would probably end that relationship entirely. Win!

 

Randy

Phenomenal! I love you, Kellie :)

 

 

 

Kellie

I love you too, Randy. If you could record that response to “heart swell” I would probably love you even more.

 

Sarah

Are you going to do that before or after we play with baby monkeys?**

 

 

Katie

I like monkeys…***

 

 

*A couple weeks ago XC said, in a very growly voice, while going potty, “My penis is mad!” I don’t know why and I didn’t ask. You shouldn’t, either.

** Evidently there is a sanctuary within reasonable driving distance where you can play with a monkey!

***There is a monkey story about damn cheap monkeys hurling themselves off couches into walls that starts out, “I like monkeys…”

PHOTO CREDIT: I swiped them all from Hyperbole and a Half. In my professional opinion (and I am a Professional Blog Reader), that blog is drenched in awesomesauce. Pictures are from the following posts: Kellie, Karen, Sheila, Sarah, Cat, Fala, Michelle, Randy, Katie (that last post in particular is the most hysterical thing I’ve read on the internet…ever).


5 thoughts on “My penis is totes angry

  1. I was honored to be a part of that discussion, which brought me many giggles, and I really dig my picture. It’s very true to life!

  2. I feel famous. Also—your posts (and friend comments) regularly make me laugh uncontrolablly. I consider them therapy. They help me get through parenting, work, life…
    Proud to be one of your 400. Might get a t-shirt that says so.

    • I feel the same way! There are days where I would lose my mind entirely if it weren’t for FB. Laughter is the best and we are friends with some damn funny people.

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